Always, Elle – Life, College, Faith & More

August 9, 2022 by Elle

LOVE PT. 1: YOU DON’T HAVE TO EARN IT.

I never thought the day would come that Lil’ Wayne would be inspiring my writing. But, the day has come, and as I have been learning time and time again, sometimes my best learning moments come from the (very, very) unexpected places (such is the case tonight, with the lyrics from a rapper prompting me to share these words on my mind).

So, how exactly did Lil’ Wayne prompt this? Well, to start, I recently rediscovered “How to Love” and have been listening to the song on repeat. Naturally, as I jam out to this tune on my daily walks, I have started to sit with the words that are sung, and most specifically, this set of lyrics:

“For a second you were here, now you over there

It’s hard not to stare, the way you moving your body

Like you never had a love”

The more and more I sang these words, the more the meaning behind them resonated deeply with me. This story he speaks of is one I am not naive to; an experience of trying to seek and earn the love we desire.

And so, today, I ask you this: Are you trying to earn the love you desire?

Lil’ Wayne, in this musical masterpiece, is implying that this woman is moving the way she is because she believes this is how she will attract love. Whether or not this is true, it has opened my eyes to this phenomena, particularly amongst girls and women; one of believing that if we could just look better or show more or be more, that we would attract the kind of love we are looking for. And don’t get me wrong, I’m all for breaking it down on the dance floor and a lil’ hips don’t lie action, but I believe it is so crucial we ask ourselves the why…

Am I choosing to dance like this to get *insert name’s* attention, or am I confident in my femininity and want to soak up this moment by breaking it down on the dance floor? Do I want to wear this makeup because I feel beautiful and glowing with it on, or because I want to look “better” to attract *insert name’s* attention and make myself worthy? Am I posting this because I want *insert name* to notice, or because this moment is full of joy or exudes confidence and I want to share?

I, too, have to ask myself these questions often. Because I’m realizing time and time again that it is my power as a woman to decide to embrace the love I know I deserve, not because of how I dress or how I dance or how much skin I show, but because of my innate worthiness, independent of anything I could do or produce or show. And in embracing the love I know I deserve, I no longer desire to do things solely to try to attract the attention of someone or something that may give me a love conditional on what I’m wearing or how I look or how I’m moving or whatever it might be that is not a determinant of my worthiness.

You are already so loved. How I wish that I could just sit down in front of whoever you may be reading this and remind you that despite how you may be feeling today or the number of people who seem to care or the way you look or your success or anything that the world will try to tell you equates to the value you carry, you are so loved. Wear that bikini and dance your booty off (if you want, of course!), but do it because you already love yourself, not because you are trying to earn the love you deserve. And finally, embrace the Love that is available to you always… you are so worthy of it. <3

Always,

Elle

June 8, 2022 by Elle

WHAT FILLS YOU UP?

I write this as I sit on a bus ride along the coast of Ireland, vast and lush green fields to my right and incredible cliffs leading down to the ocean to my left.

I absolutely love to travel. I tell people all the time that it fills me up; brings joy and excitement and perspective to this heart of mine. And there is a deep knowing in my soul that is prompted by this question:

What fills you up?

What are the people & the places & the things that make you feel that excitement & joy for life?

The truth is: we don’t know how much time we get here on Earth. And I am reminded now, as I journey across new land & am in awe at how big and beautiful the world is, that I want to keep traveling and doing the things that fill me up. We are allowed to feel joy; allowed to choose things that brighten our days and add a glimmer of extra beauty to this life we get to live.

Choose those things for yourself. Plan them, schedule them, get them into your days. You are worthy of allowing yourself joy.

And now, back to looking out my window at this seemingly surreal view…

Always,

Elle

May 23, 2022 by Elle

CHOOSING HEARTBREAK & FINDING WHOLENESS

This post has been a long time comin’, lemme tell ya.

And finally, I found that I could find the words I wanted to say; to try to get down all the thoughts and feelings and wisdom I’ve learned here.

Heartbreak & wholeness, as the title reads, is one of those great paradoxes of life that so many of us experience… like bittersweetness, which I so often use to describe circumstances both in my writing and in my day-to-day conversations. So much of life is lived in this grey area of both good and hard, bitter and sweet, love and loss, heartbreak and wholeness… and the list goes on. One of the most beautiful things about this life on Earth that we were entrusted with is that in the midst of deep hurt, pain, and hardness, there is always goodness to be found.

But heartbreak… wow, do I like to avoid this one like the plague, even if I know in my head to be true that goodness can coexist even with the most broken of hearts. Don’t we all? That gut-wrenching feeling that makes your stomach turn and, often, the tears flow.

There are so many types of heartbreak, but today I want to focus on just one type: the heartbreak that you must choose, even when it feels painfully uncomfortable. And so, let’s begin the story of when I had to choose to break my own heart, and how I found wholeness in its midst…

—

A couple years ago, I was listening to a Hillsong worship song when a lyric so clearly struck me: “Break my heart for what breaks Yours”.

I thought for awhile about this profound statement… did I actually want to allow and choose my own heartbreak over things that broke God’s heart?

I thought and prayed and asked God for discernment and eventually it became so abundantly clear that I needed to make a decision that would result in my own heartbreak. I knew it would hurt, I knew it would also result in the heartbreak of another person I cared deeply for, and overall would just feel absolutely painful for awhile; and yet, despite that knowing, what was even more clear to me was that I wanted to live a life where I broke my own heart for what breaks God’s… and staying where I was out of fear of any pain was doing just that.

What I have found to be true, time and time again, is that pursuing wholeness often means choosing heartbreak over things that we know to be less than God’s best for our lives. It may look like ending a relationship, pivoting a career you feel safe in, or changing out a life of security for a life of a seemingly uncertain future beyond what you know to be true about your purpose… but ultimately, as I have learned from both that choice I had to make a couple years ago, and from what I have found to be true time and time again, breaking our own hearts for the things that break God’s results in a life of wholeness.

Wholeness in our faith, wholeness in our trust that there is purpose behind each and every moment of our lives, wholeness in our ability to both experience the bitter and the sweet; to hold closely our feelings of pain and heartbreak along with the joy that comes from releasing things that are not in alignment with the best for our lives, no matter how much it hurts.

And so, today, whether you’re feeling that heartbreak or have the knowing that you must make a decision to break your heart to experience the freedom that this wholeness brings… lean into the Love that is with you always, give yourself grace, allow the tears to flow and look for gratitude every step of the way. Hug yourself tight, listen to music and words that fill up your soul, surround yourself with people who can hold both your happy and your hard and who point you back to truth, and know that one day, this heartbreak will no longer be an open wound, but a scar that reminds you of the strength within you.

Sending so much love. Trust that the future is so bright, no matter how hard this moment might be. <3

Always,

Elle

May 17, 2022 by Elle

A LOVE LETTER TO COLLEGE

A love letter to college…

Thank you for everything. The most growing, sweet four years of my life thus far, full of so many incredible opportunities and memories that leave me in awe.

As I reflect upon what has led to making my time here as amazing as it was, I keep coming back to a piece of advice I received right as I was packed up and ready to leave for TCU my freshman year:

“Elle, think about who you want to become after these next four years and surround yourself with people who encourage and challenge you to be that girl.”

I took those words deeply to heart and mind and did just that; I surrounded myself with people who have challenged me to become the absolute best version of myself, each and every day. People who love big and are genuinely kind; people who have celebrated me throughout all the wins and good that was in store and who have sat next to me when things got tough, reminding me that there was a plan for my life that was so much bigger and better than what I may have been able to see in that moment. I’ve found that my experience at TCU was not this special because it was perfect, but because in both the times to celebrate the good, and in the times when things are hard, I had these girls by my side.

To this day, I find myself thinking about that question I was once asked: who am I becoming? There’s still so much room to grow, new goals to reach, and days where I mess up more than I’d like to admit, but I think what I’ve learned most during my time here is that the beauty of being human is in being messy and imperfect; constantly refining and learning and growing. We were never meant to have it all together, and we were never meant to be more like anyone else; rather, we were meant to become more and more of who God made each of us to uniquely be. Ultimately, I have learned that becoming the woman I want to become starts by believing in myself; a confidence that can only come by knowing we are made by a God who loves us more than we will ever know.

And now, the next stop: chasing new adventures and starting my dream job as an Information Technology Product Analyst! #womenintech, let’s do this thing.

Always,

Elle

January 9, 2022 by Elle

RELEASE.

When I was 17 years old, I thought I knew exactly how my life was going to pan out. I had it perfectly planned in my head. Where I was going to live, what job I was going to have, when I was going to get married, and the list goes on. My mind wandered so far into the future that I often found myself spending more time prepping for what was to come than remaining present on what already was.

And then, it all changed.

I turned 20, and my life began shifting in huge ways; ways that completely altered the discourse of what I thought the future would look like. It became apparent that my seemingly “perfect” plan was no longer going to be, and it was clear to me that I needed to make decisions that would result in tremendous change, not only in my life right then, but in the years to come. This proposed schedule of my life (that I had really just given to God and asked for a signature to sign-off on, without any counsel) was gone. I finally trusted that God’s way would be so much better than my own, and let go of the outcomes. I entered into a season of so many unknowns, and quite frankly, was scared. For one of the first times in my life, I had no significant plan or timeline.

The one word that kept coming back to me in this season–and that continues to come back to me each and every day– was and is release.

“To allow or enable to escape from confinement; to set free” as the Oxford dictionary defines it.

Even just reading that definition, my mind is captivated by the concept of releasing as a means to escape from confinement; a way to let go of the things that are holding us back from the best for our lives and step outside of the cage that control creates around us.

Never before had I thought of releasing as a way to become free. Prior to this period of my life, I saw my ability to control and plan and prep and schedule as the only way to feel free… from fear and uncertainty. But true freedom, I have found, comes from the momentary choices we make to release each and every part of our lives to a purpose that is so much bigger than a timeline we could try to create for ourselves. The irony of my life back then was that I felt more caged, fearful, anxious, and uncertain than ever. When I thought I had it all figured out on my own, I felt deep unrest; a knowing that God had so much more in store for me if I would just let go and trust.

Now, as I enter into year 22 of my life, I can assure you that the choices I made to realign my life with God’s best for me then were more impactful than I ever could’ve dreamed. Was it scary to let go of the things that were safe and known? Yes… so much so. But what was even scarier was the idea of living a life that was contained to only what I could see a few years down the line; a life where I was missing out on the incredible people and places and things that God had in store for me.

Release it. Release it all. Trust and let go and trust again.

I promise you, a life of true freedom, despite any uncertainty, is so much more purposeful and beautiful than anything we could dream up on our own.

One day at a time.

Always,

Elle

November 1, 2021 by Elle

LET’S DO THIS THING, 22.

A note: Hi! I am so ready to get back to writing and sharing and pouring my heart out via this (pink covered, of course) keyboard, typing away all that I’ve been thinking and feeling and learning. So much has been on my mind… and I’ve been thinking very intentionally about how to even begin to share it all. So today, I begin again… and there is so much to come. xx

Yesterday I turned 22 years old.

And today, I have been reflecting on all that this past year taught me. 21 was a year of growth, of deep love, of the craziest adventures, of remembering, of change, and ultimately, of continuous realignment with who God has made me to be.

I stepped into new relationships, deepened the relationships I have, began a leadership role that completely changed my heart & my life in the most incredible ways (more on that to come), failed a few (actually, quite a few) times, learned from my mistakes and stepped back up. I laughed harder than ever before, smiled so big my cheeks hurt, lost two of my most special people and felt the deep physical pain that was the resulting heartbreak, and saw so many of my dreams come to fruition.

Isn’t it funny how life works like that? That simultaneously there can be both the sweetest, happiest, most exhilarating moments alongside the tears and worries and fears.

Ultimately, this past year was one of growth; of learning; of understanding. Of recognizing that this life really isn’t about me… at all. And that in order to trust God’s plan for my life, I must release my expectations of what is to come. Because, gosh, do I want to live a life that is not perfectly planned in the ways I once saw it should be, but rather, a life that is in alignment with the purpose of why I’m here in the first place.

And so, as I head into 22, my heart could burst with excitement for life that is to come. Not because I’m expecting perfection–actually, far from it. But because I have such a profound trust that even in the most imperfect of moments to come there is goodness to be found; that throughout all the change & excitement & newness & opportunities, along with the moments or seasons that may be hard, I will be learning and growing and becoming more and more of who God made me to be.

My birthday wish? That you, too, would trust in this. That for the next year of your life you see the ways in which your life is so much more than just the everyday happenings in front of you; it’s a story of overwhelming love & hope & grace & redemption amidst all that is present in your day-to-day.

Let’s do this thing, 22.

Always,

Elle

February 18, 2021 by Elle

BE STILL.

If you know me, you know I’m very go-go-go. Wake up early, workout, make to-do list, study, work, see friends, call mom, read, do gratitude list, sleep, repeat. Guilty confession: I actually schedule “unstructured free time” in my calendar. I know that sounds dorky buuuut, I also don’t ever want to be “too busy” for spontaneous things that might come up. Welcome to my life. ; )

This past week though, life has slowed down a bit. The rush of the first few weeks of school was brought to a halt as a massive winter storm hit Texas and it got me thinking… what would it look like to live a bit slower? I love the hustle and bustle of a packed day, but if I’m being honest, there are some days where I’ve gone from one thing to the next so quickly that I realize I haven’t had a single moment to just be still. To just think fully about what is happening and what I truly want and what God’s doing in my life & heart. To be fully present where I am, not thinking about all the next things on my list for the day. To sit next to a friend and listen to what’s going on in his or her life without awareness of what time it might be. To watch a TV show and actually just sit still (for real though, watching movies and TV is SO hard for me… I just want to get up and do something productive. Which is exactly why I force myself to watch things… on occasion of course.)

And the thing is, I know we are called to stillness and slowness. Psalm 46:10 starts with “Be still…”. The lil issue for me is… it’s really hard to be still. To actually slow down means to actually, fully process it all. The good and the hard. The sweet and the sad. The excitement and the worry.

But here’s what I’m learning: it is in the slowness and the stillness that I’ve become aware of the tiniest of joys, the little things that may have passed me by otherwise. I’ve felt heartbreak, fully. I’ve been able to notice people who may need a bit of extra love. The absence of the rush of busyness has given me the time to slow down and have deep conversation with an amazing stranger in the aisle of the grocery store, like I did just yesterday when a young single mom told me she and her baby boy haven’t had water or electricity for three days and she shared the strength she’s had to not only get through this, but many other challenges she’s experienced in the last couple years. It’s in my moments of being still that I see how God’s working in my heart. And it’s been in these moments of being still that I’ve had the most clarity as to what God’s best is for my life.

So today, I challenge you this: be still. Maybe that looks like laying down for 30 minutes and just thinking about where you’re headed and what you really want out of life. Maybe it looks like deleting Insta and Snapchat for a few hours and getting off the grid to actually be present in the life that’s in front of you. Maybe it looks like having the conversation that you’ve kept putting off because you’ve been too busy. Maybe that looks like slowing yourself down and writing out all the thoughts that have been circulating in your head. Maybe it looks like going for a walk without your phone and praying for clarity on what God’s best for your life is right now. Maybe it looks like walking through the grocery store and noticing the people around you; really, truly seeing them.

Whatever stillness today looks like to you, I encourage you to give yourself the space to do it. Life seen through the lens of full presence is absolutely beautiful. And it is in the slowness and stillness that this presence is achieved.

Always,

Elle

January 5, 2021 by Elle

WHAT I LEARNED IN 2020

I’ll never forget March 11, 2020.

My friends and I were spring breaking in beautiful Florida, complete with lots of beach days, slightly crisp skin (except my face… wrinkle prevention, ladies & gents!), nights out dancing under the twinkly Naples, FL, lights and restaurants… lots of restaurants (miss you, indoor dining).

But on March 11th, everything changed. I remember one of my friends mentioning that she had heard that a nearby college would be closing temporarily for the semester from this new virus that was “taking over the world”. At the time, we thought this was just absolute craziness. But just a few hours later, we received word that TCU would be closed for at least a couple weeks. As the shock set in, and I began scrambling to “figure it all out” while sipping a ~virgin~ piña colada poolside amidst lots (I mean LOTS) of people around me. (This was clearly pre-sixfeetapart.)

Everything changed in what seemed like the blink of an eye. The world, my plans, my idea of the future, my timeline… seemingly, well, “everything”. And it was in that moment that I realized something: if my “everything” is dependent on MY planning and MY ability to control my life and MY timeline and MY idea of what the future should look like, MY “everything” can come crashing down at any moment.

Notice the key word in these things: my. And yes, this is my life, and this is me living it, but this life isn’t about me, truly. It’s about living a life that lives & loves rooted in something bigger than myself. So when the world is uncertain and a virus shuts down life as I knew it, I can put my trust & hope in something that is unwavering and not dependent on my ability to control.

When all my plans changed & I had no control over the future, I had to do some major self-reflection. Either I was going to keep trying to control how 2020 would go, or I was going to dream & pray & take one step at a time towards God’s best for my life, even if it looked totally different than how I had imagined. This was my moment to let go & let God, literally. To love God, I’m learning, is the opposite of trying to control.

This year also taught me what it looks like to practice presence… to sit down with a book for hours and fully focus on the stories throughout the pages with attention that makes me feel like I’ve entered into a new world (or psych class, considering the genre of book I tend to read… hello, self-development aisles at Barnes & Nobles). It was the year of taking hundreds of long walks & just thinking, letting my mind wanter and dream. To talk to someone uninterrupted, no phones, eye contact, moments of silence & all. And wow, have I learned to get so much more comfortable with finding the beauty in silence.

2020 was a year of learning what true gratitude looks like; gratitude that is unwavering despite my circumstances. I found that this kind of gratitude–the gratitude that is to be found in even the craziest of times–is a source of constant joy in my life. To find the good in hard times, I believe, is a superpower that can completely transform our hearts and outlook on this one wild life we get.

And now, as I enter into 2021, I’m feeling BOLD. This is the year of boldness. Boldness in how I live, boldness in myself, boldness in my faith, boldness in my choices, boldness in my dreams… boldness all around.

It’s gonna be good year, I just FEEL IT. And I trust that no matter what 2021 throws our way, God’s got us.

Let’s be bold.

Always,

Elle

December 30, 2020 by Elle

ON BITTERSWEETNESS.

Note: written December 22nd, 2020. <3

I write this from my aisle seat on my flight back to Chicago. Last night, we received word that my Papa had unexpectedly passed away.

My heart hurts. It’s in moments like these that I wonder why God allows pain & heartbreak & suffering & death. I’m angry. I’m heartbroken. I miss my Papa and his joy and laughter and kindness that captivated every room he walked into.

Younger me would’ve been very private about the pain I’m feeling. But as I sit on this plane, tears streaming down my face, I realized that maybe it’s in the moments of vulnerability that our common humanity–despite what appears to be a year full of division– is seen and love abounds.

I don’t know what you are walking through today, but I do know this: God’s got you. The heartbreak and the hurt and the pain of your life is not meant to be the final destination. It is in these moments and seasons that I’m realizing just how good God is– and the sadness in my soul right now is simultaneously the beginning of my Papa’s life in heaven. No more pain; no more suffering. Perfect, eternal life. Oh, how much hope there is to be found in believing that the end here on earth is not the end with God.

Christmas is in a couple days. In what’s supposed to be a season full of cheer, I feel a knot in my stomach and tears down my cheeks. It’s sometimes hard to honor and celebrate the good when the hard is, well, hard. I’m deciding today, however, that bittersweetness IS possible. Though my heart hurts, I’m going to choose to still see the good. And maybe even sing some Christmas songs– my Papa and I used to love to sing together.

We can feel the bitter while acknowledging the sweet. Life is going to be really hard at times, but there is always, always, something good to be found.

Hold onto that hope.

Always,

Elle

December 5, 2020 by Elle

ASSUME THE BEST.

The other day, I was in the midst of a phone call with one of my dearest friends who I process through just about everything with. We were talking about 2020 and all that has happened and the state of our nation and the RAMPANT skepticism amongst many people regarding just about everything… ya know, just some light topics of conversation. ; )

But it was in the midst of my call with my friend that I realized something… this general skepticism and looming fear that has plagued so many people of what might happen is preventing so many from living a life full of deep, genuine love & joy.

What exactly do I mean by this?

To start: Love assumes the best.

And I believe that in the midst of so much uncertainty, so much fear, so much craziness, skepticism has served as a defense mechanism to prevent real, true love, feeling and connection. What one may see as a person who is quick to assume the worst or see what could go wrong, I see as a person who is hurting. A person who is longing for joy but who is fearful that if she lets herself get excited & hopeful & maybe even just a bit happy, that everything might go wrong.

To love people is to look for the good in them, despite all they have done wrong or all that they may do wrong. Honestly, love really makes no freakin’ sense at all to the human brain… why would I love someone who has hurt me & harmed me & never made amends or who broke trust and hasn’t reestablished it?!

But love isn’t really logical. When I look at the life of Jesus, I see a man who was absolutely perfect in every way and who could’ve stayed up in Heaven living the dream. But ya know what he did? He spent time living amongst imperfect people and was hurt & harmed & beaten. Hate was spewed at him. The government & the times were a mess (hello, 2020). But he remained hopeful in humanity & loved us all anyways. He still chose to look for the good in everyone around him. He didn’t let the fear of others possibly continuing to do harm keep him from loving them so deeply that he died for them.

The removal of skepticism is what frees our hearts to hope. To love deeply. To seek the good in others. To not let my fear of being hurt or experiencing heartbreak or pain hold me back from FULLY experiencing the absolutely amazing moments of life, and the hard ones in between.

[ Now, I want to be clear: if you have experienced a breakdown in trust with a person or situation and it is not safe nor possible to reengage with the person or situation, protect yourself & your heart. Assuming the best in someone does not mean allowing them into every part of your life. Remaining hopeful does not mean disregarding patterns of behavior that are unhealthy. You can remain hopeful and look for the good in someone from afar. <3 ]

—–

When you’re skeptical, it’s like a shield is blocking your heart from all that comes its way. Yes, you may be guarded from some hard things, but you’re also guarded from all the incredibly good things, too.

It is in the moment of releasing the shield of being a skeptic that all the joy & happiness & love & hard & sweet & sad & pain can come through. To live fully is to feel fully. To live fully is to love fully… to see the good in others & situations & circumstances even when the world says otherwise.

Let yourself be a person who looks for the good. Who hopes. Who assumes the best. There are going to be hard moments & seasons & circumstances, but thank goodness, we get to put our trust in something bigger than anything the world could throw our way.

Always,

Elle

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