This post has been a long time comin’, lemme tell ya.
And finally, I found that I could find the words I wanted to say; to try to get down all the thoughts and feelings and wisdom I’ve learned here.
Heartbreak & wholeness, as the title reads, is one of those great paradoxes of life that so many of us experience… like bittersweetness, which I so often use to describe circumstances both in my writing and in my day-to-day conversations. So much of life is lived in this grey area of both good and hard, bitter and sweet, love and loss, heartbreak and wholeness… and the list goes on. One of the most beautiful things about this life on Earth that we were entrusted with is that in the midst of deep hurt, pain, and hardness, there is always goodness to be found.
But heartbreak… wow, do I like to avoid this one like the plague, even if I know in my head to be true that goodness can coexist even with the most broken of hearts. Don’t we all? That gut-wrenching feeling that makes your stomach turn and, often, the tears flow.
There are so many types of heartbreak, but today I want to focus on just one type: the heartbreak that you must choose, even when it feels painfully uncomfortable. And so, let’s begin the story of when I had to choose to break my own heart, and how I found wholeness in its midst…
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A couple years ago, I was listening to a Hillsong worship song when a lyric so clearly struck me: “Break my heart for what breaks Yours”.
I thought for awhile about this profound statement… did I actually want to allow and choose my own heartbreak over things that broke God’s heart?
I thought and prayed and asked God for discernment and eventually it became so abundantly clear that I needed to make a decision that would result in my own heartbreak. I knew it would hurt, I knew it would also result in the heartbreak of another person I cared deeply for, and overall would just feel absolutely painful for awhile; and yet, despite that knowing, what was even more clear to me was that I wanted to live a life where I broke my own heart for what breaks God’s… and staying where I was out of fear of any pain was doing just that.
What I have found to be true, time and time again, is that pursuing wholeness often means choosing heartbreak over things that we know to be less than God’s best for our lives. It may look like ending a relationship, pivoting a career you feel safe in, or changing out a life of security for a life of a seemingly uncertain future beyond what you know to be true about your purpose… but ultimately, as I have learned from both that choice I had to make a couple years ago, and from what I have found to be true time and time again, breaking our own hearts for the things that break God’s results in a life of wholeness.
Wholeness in our faith, wholeness in our trust that there is purpose behind each and every moment of our lives, wholeness in our ability to both experience the bitter and the sweet; to hold closely our feelings of pain and heartbreak along with the joy that comes from releasing things that are not in alignment with the best for our lives, no matter how much it hurts.
And so, today, whether you’re feeling that heartbreak or have the knowing that you must make a decision to break your heart to experience the freedom that this wholeness brings… lean into the Love that is with you always, give yourself grace, allow the tears to flow and look for gratitude every step of the way. Hug yourself tight, listen to music and words that fill up your soul, surround yourself with people who can hold both your happy and your hard and who point you back to truth, and know that one day, this heartbreak will no longer be an open wound, but a scar that reminds you of the strength within you.
Sending so much love. Trust that the future is so bright, no matter how hard this moment might be. <3
Always,
Elle